Gregory North

The Tradesman
© Gregory North, 2005

I'm a tradie alright; it's so easy to tell,
'cause I'm rough and I'm tough and I'm vulgar as well.
I like pictures of sheilas half-naked or nude
and I don't give a stuff if you think that I'm rude.
'Cause I do a good job, I am tops in this game.
If you think I'm expensive – the gov'ment's to blame.
I like sinkin' cold tinnies and jokin' with mates.
I'm a breed of my own with particular traits.

I'm a tradie alright, that's my Ute just outside.
It's the one with the bars and my name on the side.
It's got alloys all round and a V8 up front.
Lowered just a poofteenth, and she's sure got some grunt.
All the chicks seem to love it – a great way to flirt.
And she'll push past one-eighty, just give her a squirt.
I would ask you to get me a tool from the back,
but then Bruiser, my kelpie, will prob'ly attack.

I'm a tradie alright, and the locals all wave.
It can be a small town, so I have to behave.
You might see me at footy, or walking the dog,
or reclined on my deck from another day's slog.
If we meet down the club, then don't book me for work.
I'm not open all hours, your questions I'll shirk.
You can ring me next day to discuss it all then,
at a time I've got hold of my di'ry and pen.

I'm a tradie alright, with this phone by my side.
It's real good for calls out, but calls in I let slide.
I might answer the phone if I know who you are.
If you call on the weekend, I won't have a bar.
You might leave me a message and hope that I'll call
and, well, maybe I will – if my schedule is small.
If I say that I'll come then I'll try and be there,
but if something comes up, well I won't really care.

I'm a tradie alright, and I know what is what.
If I don't, I won't say; I'll just give it a shot.
But don't try it yourself, or you'll just make a mess,
'cause professional skill, in the long run, costs less.
Dunno how many times, I've been called in to fix
dodgy projects of amateurs, up to their tricks.
When they try to explain, I cannot hide my sneer
and I just shake my head, 'cause they've got no idea.

I'm a tradie alright and I don't mind a chat,
about footy, the cricket, or pollies, and that.
Any subject you choose, I'll put in my two bob – 
I have learnt it from experts I've met on the job.
With a cuppa and bickies a lot can be solved.
I can fix all your worries before they've evolved.
Talk as much as you like, you are paying my time.
If I think you're a wally, my rates'll just climb.

I'm a tradie alright, the backbone of this land.
I can see that you know, as you pay me that grand.
Yes, without me this country would simply stop dead
and then how would I pay for those toys in my shed?
You can see I'm a tradie – it's clear from my gear.
If you check out my licence you'll see why I'm dear.
I'm an expert, a pro from my front to my back.
I'm a tradie, right down to my tradie's bum-crack!

Gregory North

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© Gregory North 2010. Photos by Andrew Bosman and Gregory North. Updated 
August 2010